SECRET WINDOW

I hardly ever kept my word.

It’s too late to change that now.

Well, it’s not too late, but it doesn’t matter much now, at least not to you.

We shut the door to us last night.

I say WE because you made me believe it was WE when really it was YOU.

Not saying it wasn’t warranted, just saying WE didn’t let go. YOU did.

I don’t miss you, yet. But I already miss knowing there is you to miss.

As you sat across the table from me last night, twiddling your thumbs, I didn’t listen to a word you said after “let’s call it in, please”. Nothing else mattered. 

I chose to instead count the freckles on your cheek, the beauty spots on your neck, and your nervous eye blinks; because that’s what I decided to remember you by. Not by the machete you had with you, hacking away at my heart’s mind.

You always did say that I hardly listened when you spoke. 

I didn’t know how to tell you this; but now that it matters least: Your beauty was always my distraction, your lips my undoing, your voice my unnerving. 

We shut the door to us last night.

But, I know a window’s open in one of our rooms.

I’ll figure that out when I have the strength to.

Fly, Bird.

REARRANGED DECK.

I don’t like writing. It’s always from a heavy place. If you know me, you know I like 60kg plus on me (cough), but a heavy heart, that’s something else. Today’s different.

Hello folks!

I learnt yesterday. From someone who didn’t expect to teach. Those, I feel, are the best sort of classes. Unprepared sessions. Notes all over the place. No order. No curriculum.

1:30pm: Pasta, cocktails, laughter, questions, and mind speak.

We are afraid to be vulnerable. To admit we have gaps. To admit we need filling. (I smell puncakes). Thing with that mind frame is we’ll not be able to allow sun rays in, if we feel we’re bright enough. And that, is tragic.

Open your heart and mind to the possibility that growth is never ending; that you could use just a little fine tuning.

Allow your cards to be on the table today. Show one your joker, have them look, and re-arrange your deck. Show one yours, and if you’re as lucky as I was yesterday, they’ll show you theirs.

Pay the bill though, damn it!

SHE IS RISEN.

As I pack on years, I’ve grown petrified of a successful woman.

I realise how chauvinistic that statement sounds, when said in isolation, and when said without stripping down. So let’s take off its clothes (more chauvinism!)

A woman leading a pack in this day and age, in whatever industry, must have fought off the world, and then some, to get there. She must have seen some shit on her way to taking over the world. This shit, must have been thrown at her, primarily by a man; primarily by men. And therein lies my fears.

I could be wrong, but MY belief is a lady is more naturally inclined to give her dreams up on account of a man/ family, than a man is. You rarely hear of a man moving states, let alone countries because his lady bagged a job elsewhere. The reverse is (more) norm.

Come to think of it, most ladies I know who’ve left the country to pursue further studies have done so by and large on account of a failed relationship/ no prospect. Of course the primary reason is to gain education, be better yada yada. But, if the relationship is working, that dream is postponed, is what I’m saying. And, therein lies my fears.

I fear that for her to succeed, she must fight men along the way (men’s fault, anyway).

I fear that for her to succeed, a man may have spurred her to, by failing her (men’s fault, anyway).

I fear that when she does succeed, a man will be her enemy by his mere existence (men’s fault, anyway).

I fear that ladies are taking over the world; and men are too busy playing FIFA and drinking Jameson, to rise alongside.

PACKING BAGS.

Not too often do we get inspired.

Check that.

Not too often do we admit inspiration.

Not too often do we allow for inspiration.

This past week, I have admitted having been inspired.

This past week, I have allowed for inspiration to slip through my old cracks.

I’ve never been one to fancy a travel. Especially if I can avoid it. Especially if I wouldn’t have complete control of and over the movements. That’s why I Hate flying. Hate. Means you reach your destination, and your cab is running late so you have to just stand there and wait. The “I’m right around the corner” is a lie. The route he takes to the hotel is not one you are familiar with. His driving is rubbish. But you can’t change his stripes in all of 40 minutes, so you wish you’d sat in the back. Blind-folded. And on and on!

But. Life was not meant to be lived controlled. It was not to be lived within comfortable boundaries. Packed bags are meant to have some space left in them. Not completely sure what you’ll fill the bag with.

Else, why bother dreaming?

I’m packing my bags beginning today. It’ll take me a few weeks to be done. But when I’m done, there’ll be some space left to pick four or five things along the way.

ON THE CUSP.

Some words were invented by perverts. Cusp, is one such word.

Ello, lot !

I’ve never quite understood chirpy write(r)s. Art has always been, in my world, synonymous with darkness, sadness, death even. Though, in an awfully sweet way.

The year began with whiskey with family and friends, as it always does. Round-table setting, about midnight, a lot was spoken of. Drunken-stupor, walking to the bushes (proverbial, of course. Anything to seem manly) to take a leak, and I made choices about how to do things this year. What to do more of, what to do less of. Who to keep, who to lose. Choices that can only be made with whiskey taste on one’s tongue.

Months down the line, it’s all shaping up how I intended it to.

Months down the line, it’s all as bloody as I expected it would be.

Months down the line, it’s all as bitter-sweet as I anticipated it would taste.

“You’re on the verge of something. Prepare“. Loise told me that sometime early last year. Not too many things stick. That stuck. That’s my reference-point whenever I doubt self; whenever I doubt choices made; whenever I doubt paths taken.

That’s my reference-point, this morning.

Don’t doubt that you can be big. When you do, you think small, and when you think small, it is the biggest barrier to becoming big.

You dream. You plan. You act. You be. You will. I promise.

I Love You. (Tick Tock)

Silence.
The all too familiar, uncomfortable silence.
Her eyes are trying to find his. Trying because he’s staring at the floor. And the ceiling. And out the window. Lord knows his eyes are locked on anything but her.

Ten minutes earlier.

They were making love. At least that’s what it felt like. Mostly to Jennie. She opened her eyes and found him staring deep into hers. She felt open. Wide open. Well read, and perfectly understood. This felt right. This was right. It had to be.
Mike didn’t like the way this felt. I mean he certainly did, but he didn’t. Her eyes were getting in the way of everything. Her big, lovely eyes. He gently slid out of her, walked into the bathroom, locked himself in and was now staring into the mirror, though not at his reflection.
“I love you..”
Whose voice was that, he wondered. Who else’s? Did he hear right? No, can’t be. Calm down Mike.
“..I know you heard me. Please come out of there”.

Why does that phrase bring with it such terror, such anxiety. Such need for immediate reciprocation.
Getting-there first doesn’t mean the party staring blankly at you has to get-there right then, as well.
What is the rush. Give it time. Let the other have their process, just as you had yours.
Allow their tick to tock, too.

RIDDLE-ME.

I was part of a conversation sometime beginning of the year, some thoughts were raised by.. (source: Hidden for safety concerns), things that have been on my mind for a while. I guess he framed it perfectly, and kinda gave it a “book title” in my world.

1. Nothing gets you a pretty woman, like a pretty woman.

Walk into a spot with a good looking lady.. Versus .. walk into this same place with a not- so- pretty one.

Precisely. This phenomenon has been explained tens of varied ways. My way? When I was a child, and food was served onto plates, for some reason the food on another’s plate seemed awfully better than that on mine.

2. Fewer things seem to be more attractive to a woman than a man who carries the (silent) threat that he can have anyone he wants.

Stinker, this one. It is what it is though. One thing is for sure, it brings forth a very conflicted fellow. How is one to reconcile this reality with how he has been raised to be, versus how he wants to treat a lady who has won his heart over?

The irony that is the two things women say they want in a man are the two things that most easily repel them.

Faithful vs Unfaithful

Exclusive vs Non exclusive

Flipped on its head, these two things women claim to abhor about men, are what draw them in.

Well, at least at the beginning of things. So that’s the weird part. What has “got” you that girl, ends up being a fighting point, and quite often, a breaking point.

And yet, without 1 and 2, you end up losing this girl to someone with 1 and 2.. or at the very least, has her mind wandering towards he.

Domino irony effect (/ Conclusion?) here being: If I am looking to settle down with this lady, am I to act like hell as if I am nowhere near there?

SPECIAL DELIVERY.

I’m sleepy today. Okay. I don’t really have much choice in all that. Much option, rather. My older siblings are outside, dancing in the rain, kissing the morning dew, all that jazz. Yet here I am. Stuck in this shell. Eight months and counting.
I thought myself to be special. God insists I am special. But I don’t want to burst His bubble by telling the Fellow I know- I know they all go through this. For heaven’s sake, even butterflies have a more interesting story to tell. So I nod (off) when He goes on and on about how lucky I am to be here.

(Bleugh. There goes my shell again. Moving this there. Taking this here).

Hey! Shut up up there! I’m trying to sodding think!
Shell. I call her that. It’s much better than Box, right? She is my everything, apparently. I sound mad, don’t I? I mean, how can I not be? The crazy lady hardly ever listens to me! She does what she wants, has people listening in on my business every other day without so much as a head’s up! Funny thing is she believes my kicking to be yet another invite to butt in!
What am I God, a parcel? Wanna deliver me already then?
I heard her telling some fellow she’s traveling tonight. Something about needing time off to think. Something about it having been a tough year for us. (Whoever she meant by Us).
Boo-friggin-hoo!
The beach will always be there, Shell.
Decembers will be plenty, Shell.
You might want to run all this by me.
Get on that flight tonight, and I will get on my own flight, too.

I read a story couple Saturdays ago in one of the dailies about a lady who delivered right after her flight landed. Felt like sharing it my own way I guess.

LOVE AND HIPHOP.

That was probably the seventieth time I have been asked whether I’ll ever do anything about my Love for music.

This seventieth time, however, it was asked different. Or, I listened different.

I believe Music to be a chain, of sorts. From its production, writing, down to its listening. I’m at the end of said chain. And I do my bit perfectly.

The Cycle:

1. Skyzoo- Dear Whoever

“told me you would help me make sense of it all, and we would never have to censor our talks,

so I told you everything, I never worried ’bout if you could hear

I assumed your attention was a sign of how you cared

see with you I was different, I ain’t tryna hide fear, nor anger, nor excitement

played you my life as quick as I was living it

gave you my life as quick as I could give you it”

My second favourite Hiphop artist. By a mile. His honesty, is why.

2. Big K.R.I.T- Red Eye

“I can’t be what you want me to be

You’re shooting too high ’cause you ain’t aiming at me”.

Some artists hit perfection once, and never again. I’m lucky I sniffed it out of his stack.

3. Common ft  & Lauryn- Retrospect For Life

“I never dreamed you’d leave in summer

You said you would be here when it rained

I never dreamed you’d leave in summer

Now the situation’s made things change

Why didn’t you stay?”

Common hits us hard with his words. Hard. Especially if/ when you can relate. And, Lauryn’s simple hook, the word play re summer and rain, Beautiful.

4. Jay Z- Song Cry

“They say you can’t turn a bad girl good

but once a good girl’s gone bad, she’s gone forever”.

For real. For real.

5. Nas- Bye Baby

“Next go round I hope I pick the truest type and watch me do it all again

It’s a beautiful life, aiight

Goodbye”.

Life Is Good’s point was this track. It boiled down to try, do your best, if it falls apart, walk away no hard feelings, acknowledge the good, water down the bad, and try again.

Repeat-until.

 

“HEY BUDDY”

Russell Tupper.

I was in traffic this morning, holding her hand and planning some work-stuff out, and in the background I kept losing battles to shrug Russell off my mind. Is that English? Out of my mind? (See that’s the thing about us pseudo-ADD kids. Wandering minds.)

I know “bubbling under”. Lord knows I do. Folks who are on cliffs damn near daring someone to tip them over. The tipping point. Edgy. Edge-he. Pent up. I have a million phrases for it, obviously. What’s odd, is of all the tens of folks I know who are an hour, a day, a week, a month, or a year away from jumping or being pushed; none of them is female.

Coincidence? Maybe. Pattern? Probably.

Ladies are brought up told it’s unacceptable to sit with legs open, like a boy.

Gents are brought up told it’s unacceptable to talk it out, like a girl.

The more aunts, uncles and parentals hammer this into us, the greater the divide between he and she.

I digress.

Release therapy is my point. Try it out. Even Sam couldn’t handle the weight of the world on his shoulder.